Preparing for yet another “Incredibly-Clever-Except-When-It’s-Not” college bowl prediction extravaganza, I realized that six games already have been played, which for some means about 20 hours of your life you will never get back. My bowl limit is 34, which coincidentally is the number remaining, not counting the College Football Playoff title game. Let’s get to it:
BOCA RATON: UAB vs. Northern Illinois. UAB’s most famous non-athlete alum: Deidre Downs, Miss America 2005; NIU’s: Robert Zemeckis, director of Back to the Future and Forrest Gump. Advantage Huskies. NIU, 27-24.
FRISCO: San Diego State vs. Ohio. Six degrees of Brady Hoke, who coached at SDSU and called Ohio State Ohio. We’re going with Ohio, too, 37-27.
GASPARILLA: Marshall vs. South Florida. Gasparilla is not an overly-carbonated gorilla but the name of a mythical Spanish pirate, which has nothing to do with why we’re picking the Herd. Marshall, 28-21.
BAHAMAS: Florida International vs. Toledo. Years ago, my daughter threw up on a flight back from the Bahamas. Too much orange juice. I blame Florida. Thus, Toledo, 42-36.
IDAHO POTATO: Western Michigan vs. BYU. Ronco couldn’t slice and dice the Broncos any better than the Cougars will. BYU, 48-27.
BIRMINGHAM: Memphis vs. Wake Forest. Some day historians will look back and note how this was the day defense died. Memphis, 58-52.
ARMED FORCES: Houston vs. Army. My old man served in WWII. The soldiers won that one, too. Army, 34-31.
DOLLAR GENERAL: Buffalo vs. Troy. If you need cheap Christmas gifts, this bowl is for you. Troy, 27-21.
HAWAII: Louisiana Tech vs. Hawaii. The Bulldogs think Hawaii 5-0 is a score prediction and vow to make the prognosticators pay. Louisiana Tech, 35-31.
FIRST RESPONDER: Boston College vs. Boise State. God bless the men and women who arrive first to the scene of this train wreck. Boston College, 10-7.
QUICK LANE: Minnesota vs. Georgia Tech. Let’s play word association. Quick Lane = Fast Pass = King’s Island = roller coaster = Golden Gophers’ season. Georgia Tech, 36-24.
CHEEZ-IT: California vs. TCU. Vegas side action: More points scored or more baked crackers eaten during viewing? I’ll bet the snacks. TCU, 28-24.
INDEPENDENCE: Temple vs. Duke. The Blue Devils lost their last two games by a combined score of 94-13. Unless I am mistaken, that is not good. Temple, 34-27.
PINSTRIPE: Miami vs. Wisconsin. The game is being played at Yankee Stadium in the Bronx, where late-December evening temps average 37 degrees. The Canes want none of that. Wisconsin, 45-27.
TEXAS: Baylor vs. Vanderbilt. Commodores quarterback Kyle Shurmur, who has thrown 23 touchdown passes against six interceptions, sends the Bears into hibernation. Vanderbilt, 34-24.
MUSIC CITY: Purdue vs. Auburn. You can’t tackle what you can’t see. That blur across the Tigers’ vision is Rondale Moore. Purdue, 38-34.
CAMPING WORLD: West Virginia vs. Syracuse. It would be different if this was called the Marriott Bowl, but you’re crazy if you think we’re picking against the Mountaineers in a bowl named after their favorite vacation spot. West Virginia, 48-42.
ALAMO: Iowa State vs. Washington State. Bring up the Alamo, add Cougars coach Mike Leach and watch magic happen at the microphone. Iowa State, 37-36.
PEACH: Florida vs. Michigan. No worries, UM fans. It was all a mirage. Again. Florida, 28-27.
BELK: South Carolina vs. Virginia. The Cavaliers have not been the same since LeBron left … er … never mind. South Carolina, 24-21.
ARIZONA: Arkansas State vs. Nevada. To quote the ignorant and apathetic bowl predictor: “I don’t know and I don’t care.” Nevada, 37-31.
COTTON (playoff semifinal): Clemson vs. Notre Dame. Upset special. Just because. Notre Dame, 28-27.
ORANGE (playoff semifinal): Alabama vs. Oklahoma. Not an upset special. Alabama, 48-34.
MILITARY: Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech. Still find it odd why Luke Fickell’s name was not at least mentioned as a possible successor to Urban Meyer. Cincinnati, 30-27.
SUN: Stanford vs. Pittsburgh. Yinz think you are so smart out there in Paleo Altoid, or whatever that place yinz call it. Well, take that. Pittsburgh, 30-23.
REDBOX: Michigan State vs. Oregon. Her: “What movie we renting tonight, hon?” Me: “Spartans vs. Ducks.” Her: “Does it have romance?” Me: “Does having a man-crush on Dino count?” Michigan State, 27-20.
LIBERTY: Missouri vs. Oklahoma State. Those other historians were wrong. This is actually the day defense died. Missouri, 60-58.
HOLIDAY: Northwestern vs. Utah. Are the Wildcats sneaky good or badly overrated? The Utes are about to learn that it’s the first option. Northwestern, 34-27.
TAXSLAYER: N.C. State vs. Texas A&M. Jimbo Fisher. Remember him? You won’t much longer if the Aggies keep playing like this. N.C. State, 34-31.
OUTBACK: Mississippi State vs. Iowa. Bulldogs fans spend most of the game looking for toilets behind the stadium. After all, isn’t that what “out back” means? Iowa, 27-23.
CITRUS: Kentucky vs. Penn State. Poor, geographically and phonetically confused Wildcats. They heard Citrus “Ball” and thought they were playing in the Orange. Penn State, 28-22.
FIESTA: LSU vs. Central Florida. Tigers fans are nervous about a seldom enforced bowl rule that states: “To compete, both coaches must be able to speak English.” Central Florida, 31-28, OT.
ROSE: Washington vs. Ohio State. Gatorade bath and exit on the shoulders of his players for Urban Meyer in his last fling with the Buckeyes. Ohio State, 42-31.
SUGAR: Texas vs. Georgia. Tom Herman’s Longhorns get stripped and clubbed by the Dawgs. Georgia, 38-17.
CFP NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP: Alabama vs. Notre Dame. Bama wants to bestow sainthood on Nick Saban, and after this, who are the Fighting Irish to argue? Alabama, 47-23.