Rob Oller: Dumb and dumber predictions to bowl over the stupid virus

Rob Oller
Buckeye Xtra
Rob Oller

One thing I detest is anything that takes itself too seriously and lacks a sense of humor, which partly explains why COVID-19 makes my skin crawl. The virus is a mean-spirited, maleficent marauder that steals joy and only laughs at destruction.

On the other hand, the annual “Incredibly Clever Except When It’s Not” bowl predictions are only mildly mean-spirited, in a wink-wink sort of way. Plus, you typically don’t need to wear a mask while reading them. But if necessary, please do. 

NEW MEXICO: Hawaii vs. Houston. 2020 in a nutshell: An island “quarantined” from the mainland playing a “We have a problem” program in a bowl named for a state where aliens are housed, but the game is being played in a city (Frisco, Texas) that is the nickname of another city (San Francisco) that has nothing to do with any of this. Houston, 34-31.

CAMELLIA: Marshall vs. Buffalo. Buffalo gets more snow. I like snow. Except when I don’t. Buffalo, 28-27.

CURE: Liberty vs. Coastal Carolina. Nightclub dad joke: What do you get when two underdogs face each other? A pile of you-know-what. Get it? Under. Dog. Coastal Carolina, 34-24.

FIRST RESPONDER: Louisiana vs. USTA. Texas-San Antonio is known for incredible Tex-Mex. Louisiana is known for creole. Tough choice, but I’m going with the ragin’ cajun. Louisiana, 50-30.

LENDINGTREE: Western Kentucky vs. Georgia State. This is like comparing star fruit to durian. Does anyone really know what these teams are? Or care? Georgia State, 42-31.

CHEEZ-IT: Oklahoma State vs. Miami. Mike Gundy is a man, so he won’t cry when the Canes pin 40 on him. Miami, 40-37.

ALAMO: Texas vs. Colorado. Flatlands vs. foothills, the latter of which Tom Herman may want to head for after Buffs bury Horns. Colorado, 38-24.

DUKE’S MAYO: Wake Forest vs. Wisconsin. Had never heard of this mayonnaise until researching the title sponsor. But anything with this much creamy fat and protein has to fit right into the Cheeseheads’ wheelhouse. Wisconsin, 23-20. 

MUSIC CITY: Iowa vs. Missouri. In 2047, when Kirk Ferentz is still coaching the Hawkeyes, fans will look back at this game and marvel at how young he looked. Iowa, 34-17.

COTTON: Oklahoma vs. Florida. In the aftermath of a crushing loss, Gators coach Dan Mullen is heard mumbling, “They played one less game than us. Of course they won.” Oklahoma, 42-41. 

ARMED FORCES: Tulsa vs. Mississippi State. Fans of both teams took the bowl name a little too literally when they all showed up packing heat. Mississippi State, 28-14.

ARIZONA: Ball State vs. San Jose State. David Letterman attended BSU. Stevie Nicks attended SJSU. Clearly, this is going to be a late night for the Cardinals, who stand back and watch the Spartans roll. SJSU, 55-21.

LIBERTY: West Virginia vs. Army. Well, look here, it’s the Army of the Potomac vs. the Army of the Podunk. Army, 27-24. 

TEXAS: Arkansas vs. TCU. These two are like Halley’s Comet. They show up with a flash once every 75 years or so. TCU, 24-23.

PEACH: Cincinnati vs. Georgia. Unfortunately for the Bearcats, they don’t do their fans’ “We shoulda been in the playoffs” chant any favors. Georgia, 42-27.

CITRUS: Auburn vs. Northwestern. The Tigers just got a new coach. Might the Wildcats soon need one also? Northwestern, 23-17.

GATOR: N.C. State vs. Kentucky. It’s never good in Big Blue Nation when UK’s football team is better than the basketball gods. Kentucky, 28-24.

OUTBACK: Mississippi vs. Indiana. The Hoosiers lost to Ohio State by seven points, ended up with one loss and have the Big Ten coach of the year. Ole Miss lost to Alabama by 15, finished 4-5 and have the most overrated coach in the SEC. You do the math. Indiana, 34-23.

FIESTA: Oregon vs. Iowa State. Team Swoosh with the swish. Ducks win with a three at the buzzer. Oregon, 30-27.

ORANGE: Texas A&M vs. North Carolina. Mack Brown answers my calls. Good enough for me. North Carolina, 28-27.

ROSE: Alabama vs. Notre Dame. You know the first 30 minutes of “Saving Private Ryan?” This is that. Alabama, 52-17.

SUGAR: Ohio State vs. Clemson. I know, I know. Payback. Revenge. Time to get even. Well, now you know how Michigan feels every late November. Clemson, 27-24.

CFP NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP: When you hear, “This could be Nick Saban’s best team” it is probably a good idea to go all in on the Tide. Alabama, 37-24.

roller@dispatch.com

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