Rob Oller | 'Who is Torts?' Jackets coach among celebs who would kill it as 'Jeopardy' hosts
Aaron Rodgers has done a superb job hosting "Jeopardy!" on a temporary basis, and the Green Bay Packers quarterback said he would love to turn the fill-in role into a full-time gig.
But before handing him the job, two thoughts: AR, don’t let them part your hair that way ever again. You’re 37 years old, not 6. And get in line, bub. We can name dozens of other sports celebrities who would be just as interesting to watch. Some of them who are right in our backyard.
Take John Tortorella. We’re not saying Torts will soon need a job, although in keeping with the "Jeopardy!" theme: “This dog-loving NHL coach’s fanny is on the hot seat.”
All together now, “Who is John Tortorella?”
Can you picture Torts, resplendent in slate gray suit and Union blue tie, staring down the three contestants? This is a host not to be trifled with. And no way is he letting them part that salt-and-pepper mane.
Contestant 1: "Benedict Arnolds for $200."
Torts: “This Columbus Blue Jackets player recently quit on his team like a soldier running from the battlefield.”
Contestant 2: “Who is Adam Foote?”
Torts: “I said recently.”
Contestant 3: “Who is Jeff Carter?”
Torts: “RECENTLY, for (bleep’s) sake. I don’t care how smart you are, I’m sitting your (bleep) the rest of the show.”
Contestant 1: “Who is Pierre-Luc Dubois?”
Torts: “You bet your (bleep).”
See what I mean? Ratings gold!
Or what about Jim Tressel?
Contestant 2: “NCAA violations for $800.”
Tress: “This former Ohio State quarterback traded merchandise for tattoos, but really what does 'traded' mean? When the Buckeyes line up against our rival, is it fair to say we traded blows? It may be true that both teams tackled each other, but to suggest that we traded effort and passion equally? I would suggest that when you look at the final result, it seems clear that traded is not the right word. And furthermore and what-not …”
Contestant No. 1: “Who is Terrelle Pryor?”
Tress: “Well, that’s what it says on the card, but really what is a card? Isn’t it just a piece of paper that …”
OK, so Tress would be better suited for “60 Minutes” than a 30-minute show.
Contestant 3: "Winners for $400, please.”
Meyer: “This grown-ass man won two national championships coaching a college team whose primary color is orange."
Contestant 2: “Who is Urban Meyer?
Meyer: “I like your effort, son. Hit that buzzer 4 to 6, A to B … (checks card) … Wait! What? Dabo Swinney? I’m sorry, but this is not the 'Gong Show'.”
The Urbinator might run too hot for the "Jeopardy!" crowd, so let’s chill out with Justin Fields. Smart dude. Cool like jazz. And has 2½ weeks of free time before the NFL draft begins on April 29.
Contestant 1: “Ryan Day nightmares for $1,000.”
Fields: “This football team must replace me with three quarterbacks who have never thrown a pass in a college game. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but did you watch me play? Apparently my critics didn't. Suspect work ethic? Really? True, I only ran a 4.41 in the 40 after predicting the 4.3s. But you think Mac Jones can run faster? Er, what was the topic again?"
Contestant 2: "What is Michigan?"
Fields: “Are you kidding? It’s been almost 20 years and TTUN still doesn’t have a quarterback who can throw a pass.”
Female hosts also need a chance to shine. And lots of good options, including outspoken USWNT star Megan Rapinoe.
Contestant 2: “Equal playing field for $600.”
Rapinoe: “We deserve $900, but whatever. This green stuff is not oozing from the pockets of women athletes, especially in soccer, compared to what male athletes are making."
Contestant 3: “What is Nickelodeon Slime?"
Rapinoe: “Close. You got the slimy part right. Money is what we were looking for. And still are."
Need a bigger name? It doesn’t get any bigger than LeBron James. (except maybe Charles Barkley, who would be huge, ahem, as a host).
Contestant 3: “Political activism for $100.”
James: "This world-famous golfer was injured after traveling more than twice the posted speed limit, which may explain why police initially hushed up details of the accident."
Contestant 2: “Is that the right category?”
James: "Oops, sorry about that. I misread it as “Shut up and drive,” not “dribble.”
There you have it, a half-dozen potential hosts who could give Rodgers a run for his money. Who else you got? Tweet or email me.